“we fall down…”

I know, I know. It’s been about 235,660 years since I’ve posted anything. Let me start this post with a heart-felt apology. I dropped the ball, but I’m picking it back up. Forgive me? Cool.

To be completely transparent with you all, my life plummeted into an abyss (yes, it was that bad lol) and I completely abandoned everything and everyone, including my growing relationship with God. So, in my mind I’m like “who am I to be giving advice to other women when my life is in shambles?” and “what kind of hypocrite would I be?” Other times it would be thoughts like “I’m just going through too much to deal with this blog.”

I don’t remember exactly what started my drift away from the right path, but I do know that it happened so fast and before I knew it, I was too far gone…or at least that’s what it felt like. I began to pick up old habits, rekindle relationships that I had broken off years ago for valid reasons, and my whole thought process was just at a steady decline.

That’s when the lonliness, feelings of shame and disgust started to kick in. I distanced myself from many people in fear of them smelling my sins from a mile away. I stopped talking to God because I believed that He was disgusted and upset with me and I was just too embarrassed to talk to Him. Honestly, what was I gonna say? I was too scared to ask for forgiveness knowing that the next day I was going to be right back at it.

On top of my internal struggles, life after graduation barged in and brought lots of bills with it. In all, I was overwhlemed and didn’t know how to handle it all.

Moral of the story: I WAS/AM STILL KIND OF A MESS lol.

But something a close friend of mine said to me really hit home and gave me the encouragment I needed: “…any down fall or back track you may feel that you had doesn’t take away from the message God has laid on your heart.. let God be God to you, let Him do what He does best, let Him mend you, let Him be who He is to you. We wouldn’t need Him if we always had it all together. Forgive yourself. Nothing you could ever do is greater than what God can cover, let Him be Him to you.”

I’m barely even there yet, but I am on my way and taking baby steps to get back to where I need to be.

I had also come to a harsh realization: it’s not just about me.

I didn’t start this blog solely for me. I’m not living this life solely for me. I’m not going through what I’m going through solely for me.

I’m here, as well as everyone else, to go through life experiences and share them with whoever is going through the same thing to let them know they’re not alone and help bring them out of the abyss they’re in, all while glorifying God.

I realized that I was waiting to become a little more “perfect” before pursuing pretty much anything. I’d be waiting literally forever because I’ll never attain perfection. But what fun is that anyway? Imperfections, downfalls, and other real-life experiences make people more relatable and that’s all I’m trying to be.

And the moment I realized all this, it gave me all the push I needed to get going again.

So bear with me and encourage me as I go on this journey as I do the same for you all.

Don’t forget to leave some encouragement for your fellow women!

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i ain’t perfect.

Is there a word for less than imperfect?

Well, whatever the word is, that’s exactly how I’ve been feeling lately. I know that nobody is perfect, but I’ve been feeling extra imperfect; kind of like I’m failing at life, making the wrong decisions, and just not living up to what I feel that I should be living up to. Have y’all ever felt like that?

I guess one thing I could blame for that is comparison. I compare myself to others more than I should, whether it’s physically, career wise, or spiritually (huge one for me!). I get on Instagram faithfully and I browse the explore page. After I’ve finished browsing and looking at snippets of other peoples lives, I end up feeling less than. EVERY TIME. Somebody’s body is always better than mine. Somebody has gotten their dream job. Somebody’s always on vacation. And here I am watching them live their life as I’m trying to figure out the next step in mine.

Another thing I can contribute to feeling the way I do is low self-esteem. That was hard to write and even harder to read. Although my esteem isn’t always low, it also isn’t always high. It fluctuates. Most times, I don’t give myself enough credit for how far I’ve come nor do I appreciate the seasons I’m in. A lot of times I feel like crap or even feed myself lies like “you’re wayyy too awkward and people notice” or “that job is not going to hire you girl, so don’t even apply there”.

Other people’s perception/expectations of who I am or who they think I should be definitely play a role too. I think I have a good idea of how others perceive me; mostly good things. Like my aunt always tells me that my little cousin looks up to me because I’m so this and so that…and my immediate response is always wide eyes followed by the thought “if she only knew…”

So what exactly is my point…

I AIN’T PERFECT. I. AM. NOT. PERFECT.  Never will be. And that’s just going to have to be okay with me and the rest of the world. What a hard concept to accept.

I don’t have a solid job yet. Sometimes I can’t quote a scripture word for word and also can’t remember what chapter or verse it was in. I am well over a size 4 and was recently reminded of this fact (story coming soon).  I doubt myself often. I’m often times socially awkward. I don’t always make the best decisions nor do I always say the right things.

SO WHAT?

We shouldn’t hold ourselves to unrealistic expectations nor should other people. We don’t have to have everything together. We don’t  have to be something/someone we’re not. We are human. You are who you are and for a reason. Now when I say that, I’m not saying it’s okay to, let’s say, curse someone out and then say “I am who I am!”…no. I’m saying don’t beat yourself up about cursing someone out. Don’t compare yourself to that person who you think never curses anyone out and is happy 24/7.

Be proud of who you are and don’t owe any explanations for it. Acknowledge your “imperfections”. If “it” can be changed for the better, then change “it”. Don’t be perfect, be willing. By no means do I have this 100% right nor have I mastered the skill of acceptance just yet, but recognizing the basics is a start, right? What a roller coaster of a journey.

Don’t forget to leave some encouragement for your fellow women! 

waiting season.

Surprisingly, I struggled with ideas for my first blog post. But then I thought: “Why not start with where you are right now?”

Unfortunately, impatience is etched across my forehead. I want things NOW and not a second later. Like right now, I am waiting and waiting for that after-college, dream job that everyone sells to you pre-college and during. Now that school is over for me and I’m waiting to walk in May, time just keeps on passing by, numerous resumes sent out on a daily basis, and still nothing. It is sooooo discouraging and quite frankly, stressing me all the way out.

But have you ever sat down and thought to yourself, “Why don’t I like waiting?” As an experienced  over-thinker, I have definitely thought this multiple times. But one day as I was listening to a sermon, the absolute perfect answer to this question was given: fear.

“Fear is the foundation of impatience.” It’s like a bell went off in my head along with “duhhh” as soon as I heard this. Fear of what, though? Complete trust.  I say complete trust because as humans, we half-trust most of the time. Here’s a visual: being in the passenger seat with one hand on the steering wheel as the driver is driving. Sounds crazy and dangerous right?  Imagine the outcomes of having that one hand on the wheel trying to control the car. Half-trusting doesn’t sound like trust at all.

Nobody likes the thought of not being in control. Nobody likes the thought of relying on someone else’s timing and possible better judgment. It is really hard to trust that anyone other than ourselves is going to provide us with exactly what we need, when we need it.

Speeding through a yellow light before it turns red, passing each grocery store lane to see which line is the shortest, and consistently clicking on a link as it loads are just every day, minor,  impatient occurrences; but what about being impatient with waiting on the right relationship? The right job? By not waiting on God’s perfect plan, we delay that perfect plan and eventually have to be redirected.

God’s plan for every aspect of your life is perfect. What does this mean? It means that God’s plan isn’t to give you a loaf of bread when you asked for a cake. It means that He knows exactly what you want and need and already made plans to give you more than what you asked for. It means that if you just give Him a chance to show you , even if you still have a little skepticism, He will blow your mind. Trust Him. I’m sure everyone is familiar with Jeremiah 29:11: “…I’ll show up and take care of you as promised…I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out; plans to take care of you, not to abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.” [MSG]

My fave part of this verse is “I know what I’m doing”. He’s saying, “I GOT THIS” (George Lopez voice). You’re the center of His universe, so He didn’t/can’t forget about you. Although our fingers may feel like they’re slipping, let’s hold on to faith, hope, and the truth that God has PERFECT plans for our lives.

Waiting isn’t and doesn’t have to be just sitting around and obsessing over what you’re waiting for. Spend some time with Jesus and read the Word (MSG version is my personal fave), hang out with friends, encourage and do for others, discover your passions and talents, or my fave, sleep lol. Wait in peace and rest assure that what you’re waiting for is already here.

What are you waiting on and what are you doing in the meantime? Comment below!

sooo…I made a blog.

After years of overthinking and sporadic .02 second bursts of inspiration to create one, your girl has finally made a blog (yay!).

“Why didn’t you just start a vlog?” Glad you asked. Call me old-fashioned, but in a generation full of vlogs and other tech savvy innovations (nothing wrong with them!), I still value the written word. There’s something about writing something down that makes it more personal and I want that dope connection with my readers.

“Why DID you start a blog?” Because…why not? I have SOOOO many experiences to share and advice to give that will inspire/heal other women and vice versa. Starting this blog is also a part of this painful, uncomfortable growth process. Gives me the chance to be more transparent and consistent. And last, but not least, I love to write!

“What’s your blog about?” All things women. The struggles and thoughts we think no one else deals with or thinks about, encouragement, love, support, and all things in between (like makeup and sales lol). The ultimate goal of this blog is to see women healed, myself included.

“Honey, tea, soul therapy…what??” Anyone that knows me knows I loveee tea and honey. There’s nothing a cup of tea can’t fix. Sorta like my own personal, tangible soul therapy (following me?). So imagine this blog being a venting session with your girls with a cup of tea mixed with honey in your hand. When I told one of my friends the anticipated name for my blog, he said it sounded like a health blog lolll. Well, he’s right! Spiritual, mental, and emotional health are just as important as physical health.

Thank you all in advance for your love and support. I am super excited to share my stories, laughs, tears, encouragement, and most importantly soul therapy with all of you.